Before I had my oldest son, I had ideals. I had a vision. I knew how I was going to parent and I had a picture in my head of how I was going to raise my children. I thought I knew (before I even birthed my child-ha!) what a good parent was. I obviously knew what a bad parent was and I was never going to be that. Ever.
Ten years and three children later, this is why I am the worlds biggest hypocrite (and in the eyes of new and expecting moms, the worst mom) ever.
1. TV: I literally set a timer when Nate was a toddler and did not exceed the 30 minute screen time rule. When he was three I remember being appalled that he watched Sponge Bob at his cousins house because it wasn’t educational. Uhhhh….hello? Did I not realize the importance of sanity? Did I not shower? Yeah, after Kristia became the tornado of a child that she is, I changed that asshole-ish attitude pretty quickly. Kids on Demand is the greatest invention ever.
2. Eating habits. Clearly I had too much time on my hands when the boys were little because I strictly enforced actual snack times and very douchebagish snacking rules. Only one bag of snacks could be open at a time. So if my kid wanted pretzels but the box of Saltines was open, too fucking bad kiddos! Eat the dry Saltines (but only the appropriate serving size of course!) until your little mouths are parched like the Sahara and then wash it down with A. water, B. $8.00 Organic Kidz-Approved Milk or C. a sip of V-8. What. The. Hell. ? ? The other day I gave my daughter a sliced cucumber (A+ for a veggie!) and a cupcake on the same plate. She survived.
3. Punishments. Toddler: “Honey, you are upset. I understand that. Let’s talk this out.” School age: “Pick a consequence from the consequence jar.” Today: “Get to your room and stay there! I will get you when I feel it is appropriate!” “But how long mom?? Hooowwww loonnggg??? I’m going to staaaarrrrvvveee!” “Well then you’ll really learn your lesson then won’t you, now GO!”
4. Appearance. I used to be somewhat cute. I believed I’d always stay that way. Now I realize that if I put on my big winter jacket to run to the store, I don’t even need to change out of my dirty shirt. Score!
5. Stores. Pre-children: “My children will never misbehave in a store. Ever. It’s all about parenting and control.” Ten Years And Three Children Later: a typical trip to the grocery store: Oldest child walking behind me because he’s embarrassed to be seen with his mother who is wearing boots, extremely worn-out-and-lost-of-all-cuteness-yoga-pants, and a wool dress jacket (over the dirty shirt of course!) Middle child is encouraging youngest child to put everything she sees into the cart. Youngest child is running ahead and sliding as if she is trying to steal home in the middle of the soup aisle. Middle child is spinning in circles. Oldest child is punching middle child as middle child spins in circles. Youngest child yells “I want these, I want these, I want these!” Mother gives the ridiculous hand squeeze warning (yeah, you know exactly what I’m talking about people–don’t deny it), and the dagger eye warning while whispering through clenched teeth “Just wait until we get home! Just wait! You have no idea how much trouble you are in!” And then they all look at each other and laugh.
And as I write this, my boys are eating snacks on the couch while watching TV, and I am wearing my very old yoga pants. Hyp-o-crite.