I really really really love my kids. I also really really really love our dog. Now I know it’s a different kind of love, the love you have for your kids vs the love you have for your furry little pet. However, I’ve also come to realize that sometimes, treating my kids like I treat my dog would make life so much easier.
For example, I just gave Riley the empty peanut butter jar and I’m willing to bet that sucker will keep her occupied for a good three hours. If I knew that an empty peanut butter jar would keep my kids quiet and occupied for three hours, I’d be throwing those jars at them left and right.
Another prime example is the backyard. Riley goes out, runs around, takes a crap, digs some holes, etc, etc. When she’s ready to come in she just waits patiently for me to let her in. This is extremely convenient when I’m busy and want to actually complete a task in it’s entirety or if I just sat down for the first time in 14 hours. If only I could throw the kids in the backyard to run, take a crap, dig holes, etc, etc and then lock the door on them and let them in when I feel like it. Probably a little frowned upon in some parenting circles, however.
Butt wiping is another area in which this treat-kids-like-dogs idea would be stellar. Am I the only one who hears, “MOM!” from the bathroom and knows immediately what I’m being summoned to do? I’ll give my sons credit on this one–they’re pretty capable with the ass-wiping. But the girl, not so much. So I know I have to trudge upstairs to see my daughter waiting for me with toilet paper in hand and a big smile on her face–and I’m sure she’s thinking, “That’s right, bitch. Wipe my ass. Serves you right for nagging the shit out of me today.” It’s just not right. Anyway, I digress. If it was just the tiniest bit acceptable to let my kids take a crap and then…well, that’s it, I’d do it! No one likes wiping butts. NO ONE. Another point on the board for Riley. I don’t wipe her butt. Bonus.
And then there is mealtime. Riley is so fricking excited to see the same food in her bowl everyday. She doesn’t complain. She doesn’t whine and say, “I don’t waaannnt thaaat. It loooks so grosss.” She just dives right in and eats like she’s never eaten before. Now if I could throw some food in a bowl and throw it on the ground with a bowl of water next to it for the kids, my life would be infinitely easier. Again, probably pretty frowned upon.
Don’t get me started on the daycare cost, either.
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