The only holiday that I ever feel completely inadequate, unprepared, and like a complete jackass of a mother around, is Valentine’s Day. How can a person feel like a jackass around a holiday that is comprised of hearts and love and hugs and all that shit? I’ll tell you: Pinterest. Pinterest has ruined me. I would put myself in the “occasional pinterest browser” category, which is a good thing because I think I have Pinterest-induced bipolar disorder.
I browse Pinterest, pin a bunch of ambitious projects/meals/crafts/workouts/ to my boards, get all excited about upcoming projects I plan to plan but never complete, meals that won’t taste good because I don’t know what half of the ingredients are or where to find them in the store, and crafts that will make me look like a nice creative crafty mother but will take way too long to make. This is where my bipolar comes in–Example: “Yay, this home project will be so easy! It will look great!” Four hours later: “You whorebag of a picture frame! You look horrible shellacked with puzzle pieces! What the F am I supposed to do with this? I hate you Pinterest!” Or on really daring projects that require my husband to use actual tools…those projects usually end with me crying and depressed because I want to move to a bigger home where this project will really look nice, like the bitch’s house who posted the damn picture in the first place. But then I go back and pin some more and start the process over again.
Every year, and I’m talking EVERY year, my kids bring home their little bags full of valentines and treats from their classmates. And every year I see just how inadequate I am when it comes to being crafty for my kids. And every year I think, “F you, stupid Pinterest craft. I gave out packets of Fun Dip that good health-conscious mothers are probably gasping at and throwing out right now.” They bring home little baggies full of adorable valentine treats–pretzels somehow molded into the shape of Cupid’s arrow, licorice in the shape of a heart that is packaged in a felt bag with conversation hearts glued to them (which really messes with my mind, because now I can’t eat those little masterpieces), cucumbers flavored like chocolate so the kids think they are eating candy but rather getting their daily serving of vegetable. And what do my kids hand out? A pack of Fun Dip with their name illegibly written on it because I forgot all about them so they are filling them out in the car on the way to school.
So Happy Valentine’s Day from my kids to yours–enjoy the Fun Dip. And piss off, Pinterest.
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