I long ago learned to live a very non-materialistic, frugal lifestyle. I’m completely fine with this–in fact frugality and finding a good sale is one of my better talents. Why pay $1.00 more for a box of Lucky Charms when the store brand Marshmallow Stars taste exactly the same? Seriously. Fruity Rings vs Fruit Loops? No difference. However, there are a few items I’ve learned that you absolutely cannot, for the love of God, buy the generic brand.
1. Toilet paper. If the human body was a high school, then the bottom, lowest of the low, nobody-is-asking-this-kid-to-prom person would be the ass. It’s got a really shitty role to play. Literally. It’s been dealt a pretty crappy life (oh the puns!). It must really stink to be the ass (I just can’t stop myself!). I really think that we need to pay our butts a little respect and splurge on some quality TP. And if you think people don’t notice if you are a quality or non-quality TP purchaser, you’re wrong. I always notice if I’m going to be cringing or sighing with relief during my bathroom cleanup at a person’s house. Here’s the thing: toilet paper is around $6.99 for a package of six rolls. The store brand is $3.99. It’s packaged pretty, it looks nice and fluffy, and it’s half the price. I picked this up last week and figured it would be fine and would work just as nice as the toilet paper with donned cute little puppies, bears, or an adorable little baby on the package. Wrongo. The name should really be glass for your ass, because that’s exactly what if feels like. Tiny shards of glass being rubbed onto your ass. Bottom line: buy the expensive TP.
2. Speaking of the nether-regions, another item that one should ALWAYS buy brand name is tampons. That’s right ladies. As a favor to yourself and everyone who will be near you and within a decent line of vision of your pants, buy the super-absorbency Tampax. Unless you want to be known as Period Pants Patty, pay the extra $2.00.
3. This might be one of the most important on the list and it deserves some careful attention. Coffee creamer. There are mornings where I am dragging myself out of bed at 4:30 AM, cursing everybody I know as I trudge to the shower, and the only thing standing between my real life and a full Rambo-style assault on my neighborhood is my coffee. I stand at my little coffee brewer, and watch that coffee brew like a drunk horny college girl looks at her drunk horny college boyfriend–with lust. All hell would break loose if that cup of coffee at 4:30 AM tasted like crap–and generic coffee creamer will do that. Trust me, I know. I’ve experienced the let down, the sadness, and the heartbreak of a cup of crappy coffee. Moreover, my kids have also experienced the let down, the sadness, and the heartbreak of a cup of crappy coffee that their mother has just tasted. Coffeemate=happy mom=happy kids.
4. Laundry detergent. Am I the only person who smells the clothes while folding them to inspect the smell? Am I the only person who wonders why the hell a bottle of Tide is $17? Am I the only person who has tried store brand detergent and then wondered why it doesn’t work? Am I the only person who wants my kids teacher to smell laundry detergent when she’s helping them, therefore reinforcing the fact that although my kids might be slobs at school they at least wear clean clothes and I’m not a total deadbeat mom who doesn’t put clean clothes on her kids? No? Oh good, I thought I might be weird or something.
5. I use mouthwash every night and every morning. The usual price for the mouthwash I prefer is $6 a bottle. The store brand is $2. Of course I’ve purchased this little $4-a-bottle-savings! Of course I’ve felt as if I was burning my gums and taste buds off with rubbing alcohol! Of course I’ve suffered the after effects of cotton mouth so severe that it rivals that of a draft-beer-and-shots-of-Crown-hangover.
6. I’m just going to go out on a limb here and assume that deodorant would be a product in which one would not want to skimp. I don’t know about you, but the scent of onions is not what I strive for everyday. I’m cool paying whatever price Lady Speed Stick decides upon. If they jack the price up to $22, God damn it, I’m paying it.
7. Here’s one that hurts whenever I have to buy them: my husband’s razor cartridges. He uses the Mach 3 razor and a package of cartridges cost close to $20. I’ve tried buying him cheaper disposal razors and the poor guy looked like he was attacked by angry cats. The last time I bought them, I was kind of hoping that a hot blonde would come with it and give my husband a blow job for the price. Really, it would be a win-win for everybody.
8. I try to pretend like I’m healthy so I bring yogurt to work everyday. My only experience with generic yogurt ended with me puckering my face in disgust and checking the label to see if I accidentally bought vomit flavored rather than cherry. Nope, it was cherry.
Everything else, in my frugal opinion, is worth the savings. Now go forth and prosper.
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