Working with teenagers all day, I hear a variety of vulgarity; an interesting peppering of colorful vocabulary. Growing up with an NFL team that has been notoriously crappy for over a decade, I also heard quite the assortment of vulgarity from my father, grandfather, uncles, and brother when it came to Sunday afternoon football games. Really, words don’t get me all upset. I find myself dropping F bombs quite often and have a love of the word whore. I’ve been noticing however, there are certain words that just make my spine tingle with disgust.
10. Panties. NOBODY CALLS THEM PANTIES. Unless you are flipping through the Victoria’s Secret catalog–Vicky calls them panties and she’s the only one to call them panties. Seriously, no woman refers to her undergarments as panties. They’re underwear. Undies. Underoos. But NOT PANTIES. And mine are in a bunch over that word.
9. Tits. Blaaaahhhhh! I hate that word! It sounds so pornographic! For the record, you will never hear a woman refer to her girlies as her tits. They’re boobs. B-O-O-B-S.
8. Phlegm. It’s not even spelled close to being phonetically correct. What the hell is up with the random ‘g’? Phle-g-m? It’s spelled as gross as it sounds.
7. Along the same lines as phlegm is mucus. Gag. Muuuuu-cuuuus. Grossola.
6. Vulva. Why can’t the female reproductive parts have prettier names? Like Evelyn. Evelyn is a pretty, feminine name. Why do our lady bits have to be named after an old angry German woman? I would always talk about my lady parts if it was called Evelyn! “Oh, my Evelyn is nice and clean!” Vulva? (There’s a reason I haven’t mentioned the other “V” here….just wait.)
5. Mucus Plug. You ladies who have given birth know what this is. Others, you might not: the mucus plug is a little plug of mucus. In the vag. That falls out right before giving birth. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? “The miracle of birth! Oh how wonderful and beautiful the female body is!” Seriously? We have a plug made of mucus in our downstairs parts that falls out? Ain’t no beauty in that. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if it had a nicer ring to it. “Oh dear, I just lost my melody rose! Time to give birth now!”
4. Scrotum. Let’s be honest here. The scrotum isn’t the prettiest looking thing anyway so I guess it’s fitting that it has an ugly name. Does any male refer to it as their scrotum? Ball sac (sack?). That’s what it is.
3. I don’t have a problem with the word penis. I do however, have an issue with the word penalize. Not PEN-alize, but when people pronounce it PEEN-alize. Why must we make a word that means “to punish” sound so close to something happening with a penis? Did the person who began pronouncing PEEN-alize have an issue with penises? Did she associate punishment with penises? Food for thought, people. And please, it’s spelled penalize, so for the love of all that is holy, pronounce it as such.
2. This word goes along with # 6 up there but it’s the other “V”. Such a gross and ugly combination of letters and it sounds like an angry plant that will come alive and devour you with pointy teeth: Vagina. How much prettier it would be if it had a more feminine name–even if you just replace the “g” with an “l” it sounds nicer: valina. Maybe we should start calling it that.
1. This is a tough one for me to even spell on out because of the amount of loathing I have for it. I can’t write it out completely. Bear with me here: Pu**y. EWWWWWWWW. Gross. I think I’m gagging on phle-g-m as I even think about it. I’ve never even once uttered it. And what is up with the pu**y willow? Really? We couldn’t have changed the name over time to something a bit different? Even if it’s valina willow that’s better.
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