The other night my husband and I looked at each other like, “Holy shit, was that just our day?” after a long day and even longer night which resulted in overtired kids; and every parent knows, no matter how old your kid is, an overtired kid just flat out SUCKS. World War III ensued simply because the words, ‘go brush your teeth’ were said. To adults without children, I’m sure it would have looked like an insane asylum. To adults with children, it just looked like a house with extremely cranky and tired children. It’s the norm. The ushe.
Which leads me to:
What They Don’t Tell You When You Have a Baby
1. You won’t EVER dare to flush a toilet upstairs if a child is sleeping
2. Your house will only look really clean when you know people are coming over–especially the bathroom
3. Those highlights you get ever six weeks? Just forget about them. You’ll go from every six weeks to every twelve, and you’ll look like a grungy punk early 90’s heroine addict in between…until you realize that keeping up with highlights is just too much work so you just go with the all-over color instead because it’s easier.
4. Sometimes you just have to say no to a night out with friends, not because you have other plans, but because you actually don’t. And staying home doing nothing with your family is awesome.
5. Your summer to-do list will have activities like ‘go to beach at sunset to throw rocks in the lake.’ Who would have thought that rather than spending the entire day there (with a kick-ass bikini body to boot) would be replaced with going at night because watching the sunset with little ones and allowing them to run around like maniacs before bed is pretty cool. (Oh, and it’s free! Bonus!)
6. Grocery shopping alone is magical.
7. Laundry baskets full of clean, folded clothes will always be somewhere in the house. After awhile they blend into the background and you don’t even notice them.
8. This conversations will most likely occur more than once: “Because you are a person and people brush their teeth. Stop arguing and just go do it. You would have been done by now if you would have just done it when I told you to the first time!”
9. Lucky Charms will always be delicious–even if you are eating the left over soggy spoonfuls that will suffice as your breakfast.
10. Only crazy mothers prepare full hot breakfasts every morning. Don’t stress about it–see number 9: Lucky Charms will always be delicious. Sunday mornings are good mornings for eggs and pancakes.
11. You will never fully complete a task once you start it. And even though you love your kids, that will always be annoying.
12. Say goodbye to listening to your music in the car once your child is only enough to sit up front. Embrace the rappy/pop music that will get stuck in your head FOR DAYS.
13. ‘Because I said so’ is an actual, factual, valid explanation. Our parents were not crazy after all.
14. Your kids are going to need new sneakers for school. Put your wants on hold because they are going to want expensive sneakers–and name brand socks are really important to a middle school boy.
15. You MUST make your son wear deodorant when he gets older. Boys can’t smell themselves and won’t just go do it on their own. You will have to actually hand them the deodorant and make them apply it. Do it for all of us, please.
16. Girls are stubborn. Girls are independent. Girls want what they want and won’t take no for an answer without a fight. It is maddening but also pretty cool.
17. Washing, rinsing, and brushing your daughter’s hair will sometimes alarm your neighbors and they might think they need to call CPS due to the amount of crying and begging that happens–from both of you.
18. You will never stop swaying from side to side once you have a baby. Even if you are just standing next to someone who is holding a baby. You will rock and sway from now until you are 80.
19. Remember how you thought your parents ‘just didn’t understand’ and ‘were so annoying!’ and ‘they just don’t get it!’ ? Yeah, that’s you now. Your baby loves you now but just wait until they want to have the entire hockey team sleepover and you say no. You’ll be the ‘meanest parents EVER who never let me do anything!’
20. If you have more than two children, no matter how hard you try, your middle child will always feel like a middle child. That poor kid will get picked on from both the older and younger sibling…and you’ll never have enough hugs for your middle.
21. Coffee. Just coffee. That’s all.
22. You will always feel inferior around other moms. Just try to remember that they sometimes feel that way around you too.
23. Each age has pros and cons. The cons don’t last forever and the pros are the memories that stand out.
24. You’ll know just by holding a baby if you are done. You’ll either go home to your husband on a mission or you’ll hand that baby back and think, “Well, glad I’m done with that stage!”
25. Some days are better than others–and your kids won’t remember the time you were secretly wishing for nap time or you pretended to go to the bathroom just to get some time to yourself.
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