My father taught this Western New York girl how to handle snowy roads in 1995, and I’ve been doing pretty well ever since. Some winters are better than others, and some days I’m white-knuckling the steering wheel and sending all of my “Please Jesus, God, Mary and Joseph, PLEASE help a girl out” plea bargains up to the sky as I manage the back country roads.
Today was one of those days. Today, the Polar Vortex/Winter Storm Ion/Blizzard ’14/Where The Hell Is Summer Anyway ravaged much of the country and royally messed up my drive home. I was not one of the unfortunate drivers who was stuck battling all of downtown at rush hour to get down tiny one way streets because the thruway was closed. No, I was a girl in a minvan driving through country roads of open fields, with snow drifts and ruts and whiteout conditions that required me to rely on my autopilot “I think the stop sign is coming up soon so I’m just going to instinctively stop here because I can’t see shit” skills.
I encountered ice, drifts, slush, sun, and complete and total d-bags.
Douchey drivers, please read:
1. Turn your f’ing headlights on. I would LOVE TO KNOW that you are coming towards me in WHITE OUT CONDITIONS. Just turn your headlights on for the rest of us, assface.
2. I get that I’m in a minivan. I get that typically all minvan drivers are “stupid women drivers who don’t know what the hell they are doing.” (I take offense to that. Aside from my speeding ticket which specifically said on the bottom of the ticket, “Drivers daughter was ‘about to pee her pants’ and driver was trying to get to Burger King”) I have been a pretty good driver in my van. Anyway, if you are driving a truck, you do not need to show your ultra tough “Look at me, I’m driving a big truck so I can speed in a blizzard” persona. Do not pass, do not get on my ass and make me feel like I’m 92 and driving 20 in a 55 on a summer day, do not speed in the other direction and come barreling down the middle of the road while talking on your freaking cell phone. Want to know why? Because you are driving like a douche and I want to get out of my van and hit you with the hockey sticks that are in my trunk.
3. Use your hazards. This is not going to make you any less of a man. This is not saying to other drivers, “I am scared and a wimp and I can’t handle this.” But if you are driving a two-door Chevy Cavalier and are driving 10 MPH, then turn them on…that way I CAN SEE YOU AS I GET BEHIND YOU RATHER THAN REAR-ENDING YOU BECAUSE REMEMBER? IT’S AN F’ING WHITEOUT AND I CAN’T SEE SHIT!
4. Turn signals would be nice. Not just in a blizzard, but in any weather.
5. Travel bans are not an invitation for you to say, “F it, let’s see how this baby handles.” Stay off the roads, asshat. You are not only putting yourself in danger, but also emergency response workers and plow crews who are just trying do their job. Stay home. Please.
Stay safe, people of the Polar Vortex/Winter Storm Ion/Blizzard ’14/Wherethehellissummeranyway. Stay safe, stay home, and don’t drive like a DB.
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